The Trauma of the Non-Singer

Emotional Rescue

File Under:  Many lives, many identities, many parts

Have you ever had the experience of slowly losing your voice.  Getting a bit hoarse, sounding breathless, and then no sound coming out?   Over the past month or so, I’ve experienced this.  Honestly, there were parts of me that were confused, worried, but the strongest emotion is that I was petrified.

I went to see my otolaryngologist – you may know this as an ear, nose, throat doctor.  The tiny scope went through my nose and took a movie of my throat and vocal cords, which he shared with me.   There was good news and bad news. 

Findings: Examination of the hypopharynx was clean. Examination of the larynx was clean with normal vocal cord mobility. There is incomplete glottic closure during phonation. There were no mucosal lesions of the true vocal folds. There was no evidence of any posterior glottic arytenoid erythema or edema. There was no evidence of any interarytenoid cobblestoning.

                  Aside from incomplete closing of my vocal cords, everything physical was good, clean, normal.  The doc then calmly said he thought that I was experiencing stress, or more exactly Muscle Tension Dysphonia, and the only thing he could advise, is to go for voice therapy.  I had never heard of this before.  Have you?  I took the referral, still planned for the future, and went home with mixed feelings and went to look it up.

Muscle tension dysphonia is a change in the sound or feel of your voice due to excessive muscle tension in and around the voice box. This can include the vocal folds and the other accessory muscles of the larynx. Muscle tension dysphonia is a “functional dysphonia,” whereby a pattern of muscle use develops from irritants, laryngitis or even stress, among other conditions. While the initial cause may go away, the voice changes remain because of the excessive squeeze or tension that results with voice use.^[1]

The most common symptoms of muscle tension dysphonia include:

• Voice that sounds rough, hoarse, gravelly or raspy.

• Voice that sounds weak, breathy, airy or is only a whisper.

• Voice that sounds strained, pressed, squeezed, tight or tense.

• Voice that suddenly cuts out, breaks off, changes pitch or fades away.

• Voice that “gives out” or becomes weaker the longer the voice is used.

• Pitch that is too high or too low.

• Difficulty singing notes that used to be easy.

• Pain or tension in the throat when speaking or singing.

• Feeling like the throat is tired when speaking or singing.^[2]

                  Yup, this description pretty accurately described my experience.  How did I create this stress?  What in the world am I to do?     There is a story here.

Dateline: PS 193, Brooklyn NY, 1957

                  I was in the 4^th grade and my class was going to have its turn performing a play for the other classes at assembly.  I was excited!  The class would be singing.  I loved music and songs, and at that time I had no idea that I was unable to “carry a tune.”   Until!

Our teacher^[3] lined us all up and had each of us sing America, Tis of Thee, so she could group all the kids into the proper vocal group.   I listened to my classmates and watched as they were grouped together.  I noticed a few had trouble and were put into a group together and when it was my turn I was told to join that group.  The group that was called the non-singers.  Something inside me snapped.  I had no idea of the impact that moment would have on my life.  I had no idea that the seed of trauma was planted that day, the trauma of the non-singer.

Dateline: PS 99, Brooklyn NY, 1959

My family moved when I was in the middle of the 6^th grade.  The new school had classes that moved to different teachers, and we had music class.  I had to sing once again in front of my new class and new teacher, and once again, I was put in the group – the corner – of the non-singers.  Talk about reinforcing the synapses that were remembering the trauma.  I was 12 years old, and the label was being cemented into my mind.  It is still there to this day, and as I write this, I am 76!

…

Despite my lifelong (so far) acceptance of being a non-singer, I still have a great love for music of all genres.  I have also dabbled in making attempts to learn how to play some musical instruments but have also discovered that I cannot identify one tone from another – commonly referred to as tone deaf.   In high school I did learn how to play the large string bass and was in the school orchestra.  My ability was without any talent and pretty much mechanical.  In the 70s, I got a guitar and took some lessons at community education classes, and felt I never really made any progress, and was frustrated by the lack of being able to tune my guitar well, and not being able to sing along with the song  -in front of any people.  That went dormant for decades.

When the pandemic hit and the world shut down, I thought it would be a good time to try again.  I purchased a small inexpensive guitar, online, and searched the internet for lessons, which were now getting popular.   My experience started out with frustration as the classes were focused on scales and theory, but no songs, and there was little to no feedback included.   I first bought into one set of classes and left that one with frustration.   A few months later, I signed up for another, and the results were similar.  Frustration grew, and I again put the guitar aside.  The idea of learning guitar in my Happy Retirement, during this time in 2020-2021 was not all that successful.

And then!  The great(?) Facebook algorithms, decided to drop another guitar teacher/class into my feed.  It caught not only my eyes but reached inside me to soothr the frustrations of my previous experiences.  I felt my experiences were understood, and there was someone offering hope. My parts were in deep discussion whether to try this once again. The internal battles were underway; the polarizations were bubbling to my surface.  You may be familiar with these:   Yes, “you can learn” fighting “you will be disappointed once again.”   “Find out more,” one part offered as a compromise.   I followed that part and sent an email.   You can see the offer of The Process here.^[4]    I worked with my parts and in early 2022 I jumped on board and am now into my 3^rd year.  This is the longest I have stuck with anything like this.

…

Today, I am happy with the progress I have been making in playing guitar, I usually choose songs that have more complex skills, and those I am familiar with.   I have been noticing that it is somewhat challenging not being able to sing along with the songs and as the complexity increases and where the words fit in with the strumming and/or picking of notes and chords.  As I practice, I try to speak the words, and even try to fit the words into my practice.  I can hear my voice not being the same as the notes and I stop singing, allowing and accepting the frustration – or so I thought.   Sometimes the connection between mind and body plays some tricks on us. I know this, as when I was getting my degree in counseling, I followed the tracts of the holistic program and fully accepted the interactions between mind, body, and spirit.    Apparently, except when it comes to me.

So, I have been diagnosed with MTD.  My schedule for voice therapy is a few months out.  What to do?  Luckily, I have resources.   My bestie is an acupuncturist^[5], but in addition, she is so much more than just that.  She practices a modality called NET - Neuro Emotional Technique^[6] for working with stress related emotions.  My diagnosis clearly includes a stress issue.

Some people might think of NET as Woo Woo or voodoo, but if you have any understanding of mind/body interaction, you would appreciate what it provides.  Working with my bestie, an incredibly deep discovery surfaced.  It may sound a little crazy, but these things so often do.

It turns out the more I practice my guitar playing, and slow but steady learning and improvement has triggered my trauma of being a non-singer.  The more I am practicing, the more I want to add my voice. It seems that the part of me holding on to the trauma, is fighting it, in a way that is creating an internal stressor that is taking my entire voice away!  Hence, muscle tension dysphonia.

We are working with clearing the NECs (Nero Emotional Complex^[7]) and also applying some acupuncture to help me reduce and resolve the stress. 

As I have learned, all my parts are trying to do the best for me, as there are no bad parts.   Sometimes a part does not see the big picture.  I am lucky in that I have many resources to help me discover the root of often complex mind/body interactions, which are not so obvious, but when understood make sense.   I am not certain that I will ever become a singer, ever be able to carry a tune, but I am certain that I do not want to lose my voice.  I will use any resources available to me to help reduce the stressor that I am not even aware of.   My mind and my body might be in some sort of conspiracy – lol – but my spirit remains strong here as I am in gratitude to all my friends and teachers along this journey.

My invitation to you is that if you believe you have some stressors, there are resources^[8] out in the world, that can help you.  Perhaps there is a trauma hiding deep in your mind, buried there for decades, that is causing havoc to you.   Find the resources that are out there. It is worth it.

…

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life ^[9]

-       Good Riddance (Time of your Life)

-       Billie Joe Armstrong

Thanks for Visiting,

Make a Difference

Please consider subscribing to Random (E)Motion(S)

---

^[1] https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/muscle-tension-dysphonia

^[2] https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/muscle-tension-dysphonia

^[3] For those who know me, you are aware that I am a trans woman.  I took the liberty of blocking my old name on my report cars as it has nothing to do with this story.

^[4] https://theiomprocess.com/video

^[5]

https://www.healingrootsacupuncture.net

^[6] https://www.netmindbody.com/more-information/what-is-net/

^[7] Definition of a Neuro Emotional Complex (NEC)
An NEC is defined as a subjective maladaptation syndrome adopted by the human organism in response to a real or perceived threat to any aspect of its survival. A primary goal of NET is to identify and resolve NECs either via the associated vertebral subluxation(s) or active pulse point(s).

^[8] An example of NET is here 

^[9] For those interested, this is the song I was working on when MTD struck me.

---

---